What to do if you feel someone has given unsolicited/condescending advice?

[GemmasMom]

I think that it would be a good rule that if you'd like to discuss a matter unrelated to the topic posted, that you do so through private messaging so the thread doesn't get hijacked. I've seen so many members feel attacked and ganged up on over nothing. When one person responds trying to help, others get that same idea to help, and then we go away from the original thread. It would be really helpful if the members who want to be helpful, could send the person a private message, so that the original poster doesn't feel as threatened and can respond to that person privately.

[Lucinda]

I also wonder if anyone can advise on how to deal with accusations of animal abuse?

[racinghamster]

GemmasMom: A good friend of mine once said the same thing regarding PMing an individual with advice rather than posting it on a forum thread if you feel strongly about the advice being given. It seems the sensible thing to do so your spot on. Or do as Suga has suggested and use the icon to report the posting. Something I wasn`t aware of until yesterday because I never chose to use it in the past because I never felt the need to.

I wasn`t going to comment here but since I myself have been involved in recent misgivings, I thought it best if I put my own thoughts down on this.

Forums will always attract diffrences of opinion, fact. An example might be, if someone starts a post about their new pet and I look at the images posted and think ," I wonder if they would like some info on their new pets because I see they are using a or b and wonder if they know there is a safer alternative they could be using?" Now any advice I offer is purely based on my own experiences with that species, whether it be hamsters, mice, gerbils, rats or degus. All of which I have kept in the past. If a pet such as a rabbit or a guinea pig or an exotic species comes up, I don`t reply unless it`s to post a link to a good website that I feel could be helpful to that member.

But even with giving such advice, placing it word for word on a forum doesn`t always come across as speaking, so it can be interperated as being consescending or brash, when it`s not meant to be. But we can`t always know how other members will interperate our words and this is when conflicts can arise. Moreso when there are no harsh words being exchanged within the thread, but because someone reads into something more than they should and makes a comment that really isn`t needed unless it`s constructive criticism relating to the actual topic and stating why they disagree rather than commenting on the tone of the post. But not allowing the original poster to explain their actions or words and just continuing to be rude is no way to behave at all.

So now we have some ideas at least to take us forward. But I havn`t been on a forum yet that I havn`t seen this kind of thing happen. It`s a common occurance because people will always find an excuse to disagree or acuse someone of something just because they don`t like their tone. I`ve seen members on here use sentences (that even I have been acused of) that I have cringed at myself, but I never felt I had to react to it because I didn`t like their wording. I`m adult enough to realise that sometimes typing a reply isn`t always done slowly or is a long thought out process. Forums are not classrooms, they are fast moving environments and it should be up to the member who started the posting originally to make any complaints, not a second or third party. They started the post. They should be the one who considers who is right and who isn`t. Anyone coming into a conversation should either have something constructive to add, or they shouldn`t comment at all.

Second, third or fourth parties should not be the ones who report a post or add critisism to a post unless there is a real need to do so. I personally feel this is where most of the trouble lies. Not so much with the thread that gets started, but because someone feels the tone is not right. That is because they are not taking to a real person, but to a keyboard.

[Kissa]

Originally Posted by Lougarry

I know what you mean, Kissa. It's why my use of emoticons has seen a marked increase . After a couple of issues in the past when my posts have caused confusion (SS once asked if I was being sarcastic when I hadn't intended to be, for example) I have been trying to use them to help clarify my tone.

My use of emoticons sees a marked decrease whenever I'm tired or thinking about something else -- which is also when I am more likely to say something obliviously

Yeah, the most recent one I can think of for me is when I ended up asking Whitehologram about a planned addition to Daisy's cage (it was about the cork boards) when I'd been asking her advice some time beforehand and knew that she knew what she was doing... Just had an oblivious moment

[kyrilliondaemon]

But, what about when, for instance, someone has started using a tank and someone has told them "oh you should have used a tank"?
Surely then its redundant and the poster should have saved their time?

Or what if someone posts about keeping, say...degus, and just wants to show pics. Is it then really appropriate to use the thread as a chance to lecture on degu husbandry?

Or actually, my own experience. Someones hamster has lost fur. Is it really appropriate to suggest they "air their aubiose"? Not really... Yet thats happened too and did seem really rude and condescending - especially when the poster didn't seem to give a damn about if Skip was ok or not.

Oh and surely its not a bad thing to suggest ways people could word posts to be less offensive? I mean if its friendly advice that could help the forum be a more friendly place, is it something to be offended over? I know I've recieved that advice from unrelated people and did appreciate it because the person I'd spoken to wouldn't have been ok to say it to me.

[racinghamster]

Kyrillion, I `air` my beddings all the time and try to advise members to do the same if they want to because it does help to release any fine dust from packing. I wanted to know though why you would think that advice was rude or condescending? Is it so bad to say to someone that airing their shavings or aubiose or whatever they happen to use, is bad advice? I just don`t understand that or see it as rude? It`s giving ideas to other members who may not have tried it. See, this is where I get totally confused by people saying things like "why did she say this or go off topic"? It`s not, it`s adding extra information for other people who may read it and think it`s a good idea but they don`t have to act on it if they don`t want to! That`s why I like to speak to individuals who keep mice for example because believe it or not, many people who buy mice as pets are not aware of their needs and go with pet shop advice and all I`m doing is adding to that in the hope that I can better explain to the new owner how I have kept mice and give my own experiences across.

If I was the one who replied to your post about Skip a while back then I appologise if I upset you. I didn`t mean to at all. If I didn`t ask after Skip it wasn`t because I was oblivious to that, I was only trying to help.

[StarlightSerenity]

I know I will often post something that can come across as lecturing or patronising or whatever but I want to ask something...

When should you give advice? ONLY when it's asked? What if someone comes along, posts a really cute picture of their Syrian hamster but the photograph also shows that the Syrian is living in a Criceti 9 and has a 4.5" wheel?

In that example, I will speak out and yeah, I'll feel a little guilty but I do think it needs saying.

But, if someone comes along with a perfectly fine set up (say, I was new and posted a photograph of Luna's Hamster Heaven with woodshavings) and someone then turned around and started telling me all about the safer alternatives to woodshavings I would be annoyed. Purely because that's down to opinion, not fact (where in comparison it's a fact that the criceti 9 is too small) and Luna wouldn't definately be suffering. That's not the best example but I haven't had coffee yet :/

Also, another substrate related example, if I posted asking about alternative substates to woodshavings, I would be annoyed if someone then started telling me all about the 'dangers' of woodshavings. Firstly, it's not on topic. Secondly, I'm obviously considering changing substrates so why bother explaining about the 'dangers' of woodshavngs?

I guess for me, if you see an issue - too small cage, fluffy bedding, too small wheel, no water bottle etc etc etc - then yes, I think you should advise the poster. If there aren't any actual issues present, and what you want to tell them is purely down to opinion - plastic wheel is better than wood for example - then don't do it.

If you have a problem with what someone is posting, whether it is their tone, them being patronising by offering advise that isn't warrented or just not being very nice, report them. Or report them if they ignore you when you ask them to bugger off (in a nicer way of course ).

I've used the report button sometimes - whether or not I think that the post has broken the rules, I do it to alert the moderators to a post or thread that may result in an argument or will upset a lot of members. The mods can't possibly read every post out there and if you think something will get a bit out of hand, off topic etc then just report it. It isn't a nasty thing to do - it's sensible and will not only help the moderating team, it will help members too.

[fluffymunchkins]

I'm an opinionated person, but I also try my best to polite and respectful and I know I can't always be right. If i feel in an irritated mood (as we all do sometimes ) I'll avoid the forum.

I've been given advice or replies I didn't appreciate in the past. But that doesn't always mean it isn't given in the best interests of me or the hamster. I make an effort to thank anyone for their time and thoughts whether I find it useful or not.

Originally Posted by kyrilliondaemon

But, what about when, for instance, someone has started using a tank and someone has told them "oh you should have used a tank"?
Surely then its redundant and the poster should have saved their time?

Or what if someone posts about keeping, say...degus, and just wants to show pics. Is it then really appropriate to use the thread as a chance to lecture on degu husbandry?

Or actually, my own experience. Someones hamster has lost fur. Is it really appropriate to suggest they "air their aubiose"? Not really... Yet thats happened too and did seem really rude and condescending - especially when the poster didn't seem to give a damn about if Skip was ok or not.

Oh and surely its not a bad thing to suggest ways people could word posts to be less offensive? I mean if its friendly advice that could help the forum be a more friendly place, is it something to be offended over? I know I've recieved that advice from unrelated people and did appreciate it because the person I'd spoken to wouldn't have been ok to say it to me.

If anyone feels advice isn't necessary then I don't feel it should be a problem. They are free to give their opinion or suggestions and you either take it on board or you don't.
If anyone feels someone being rude then they can choose to simply move on and avoid creating any conflict.

[kyrilliondaemon]

Originally Posted by racinghamster

Kyrillion, I `air` my beddings all the time and try to advise members to do the same if they want to because it does help to release any fine dust from packing. I wanted to know though why you would think that advice was rude or condescending? Is it so bad to say to someone that airing their shavings or aubiose or whatever they happen to use, is bad advice? I just don`t understand that or see it as rude? It`s giving ideas to other members who may not have tried it. See, this is where I get totally confused by people saying things like "why did she say this or go off topic"? It`s not, it`s adding extra information for other people who may read it and think it`s a good idea but they don`t have to act on it if they don`t want to! That`s why I like to speak to individuals who keep mice for example because believe it or not, many people who buy mice as pets are not aware of their needs and go with pet shop advice and all I`m doing is adding to that in the hope that I can better explain to the new owner how I have kept mice and give my own experiences across.

If I was the one who replied to your post about Skip a while back then I appologise if I upset you. I didn`t mean to at all. If I didn`t ask after Skip it wasn`t because I was oblivious to that, I was only trying to help.

The reason I saw it as rude was because the thread was about fur loss. Not substrate (unless it was causing the problem in which case we'd switch back - easy). It was unrelated and it did seem condescending as your post struck me as posting just to give me advice - both related (which was appreciated) and unrelated (which annoyed me).

If you'd mentioned something like hoping Skip was ok then it'd have completely changed the tone of the post and wouldn't have bothered me. Without mentioning it, the post did seem quite rude. Maybe something to think about in the future?
I know its something I have to try and remember to be careful about on times too.

[Lucinda]

Everything youve said is spot on, Starlight. There's a time and place for certain pieces of advice. Like you said, if you know there's an issue, offer advice. But if it's something that's not a petcare issue and completely unrelated to the purpose of the topic it will and DOES come across as patronising. I hate seeing such disrespect in this community which is why recently I spoke up. Unfortunately, I then got falsely accused of something rather nasty...