[Murmel]

On the 3rd of August, and I know it's already been a while, Mick my little giant longhair of 200g died in my hands trying to give him meds against pneumonia.
He had been fighting like a champ. Still dragging himself out to drink, to eat, to find treats, to say hello to me when I called him... even to play. He fought until the very end from the moment the x-rays showed an abnormaly in his lungs.
He didn't want to go, and I held him every night to give him his antibiotics WISHING it was pneumonia, wishing I could make his wish come true to stay just a little longer. I wanted to bake him a birthday cake for his second birthday, show him so many more fun things.
But cancer doesn't give a damn about what we want. It's merciless and cruel, and not even Mick's fighting spirit was enough to change what couldn't be changed.


October 2018 I saw his brother, Gregg, on a rescue network here in Germany. He had the thickest fur and the most adorable eyes I had ever seen. So much for "just looking for the future."
By the evening I had ordered a cage and all accessories I needed for a second boy in my house. But it wasn't Gregg that should find a home with me. He was a horrbile chewer and not able to come to me. But then I saw Mick.
Sweet little, 1 year old Mick, that nobody wanted because of his red eyes. The foster home had been searching for a home for the two for a whole year, but not one person had asked for them.
The moment I saw Mick sitting in his hide when me and Mahtab, a close friend, came to pick him up, I knew... that was my boy.
I didn't care that he was already older, I didn't care that he probably would never be hand tame. I wanted to give him the best home with me and Murmel I could ever give him.
At first he was shy and didn't pay much attention to me.. but after a month he was fixated on me, he'd be up until late morning spending time with me studying. When Murmel had his head injury and nearly died Mick was there to keep me grounded.. and 2 months after I got him he was letting me pick him up for the first time.
He was different than Murmel. While Murmel would have been a total extrovert if he had been human, Mick was an introverted sweetheart who didn't show his affection to just anyone. He was very closed up in his shell, until you earned his trust. Then he was loving, patient, gentle and you knew he saw you.

When Mick bit off his tail at the start of spring I spent every night running over to distract him from his wound. I read to my M&Ms, sitting in between their cages. The evening I notice the pulp of flesh developing necrosis I stayed up all night curled up next to his Aqua because I didn't want to take my eyes off him in case it was my last with him.
He and Murmel helped me through my anxiety, the roughest patches of my life.
And no matter how many times I say or write that Mick is gone and how thankful I am for every having had the honer to be his hamster dad, it never seems enough.

I am trying my best not to forget him. I tend to dissociate from loss, losing access to feelings and emotional memories as time goes by. I am not letting this happen with him.
Mick, I'll always be thinking about you, a part of me will always be with you. I hope you are having fun up in rainbow land eating as much pumpkin with Gregg and Mahtab as you can. You'll never have to suffer again, and the tumors I felt all throughout your body are a thing of the past.
I wish you hadn't gone somewhere I can't follow you to.
Fly high!