Anxious about a party

[Robodwarfs18]

So I've made one or two threads about my introverted life and I need some morw advice. So one of my good friends invited me to her party at the weekend for her birthday. She also said that after, everyone can stay at her house. Parties are my worst enemy. I feel so anxious and sick whenever I go to parties or any social event. Even going out with one friend can be quite nerveracking. So as you can imagine, I keep over-thinking this and I can't handle the stress. I want to go so I don't let my friend down as I'm always making up excuses for these kind of things, but I obviously DON'T want to go. Another bad part, there won't be anyone else I am friends with except the host and there are guys and girls there. Also I'm worried that they will play childish games that involve dating etc. The people going all go out with different people and I just can't be bothered with that stuff so I'm really different. Then the next day they want to go out to a Swimming Centre and so I feel uncomfortable or confident in a swimsuit because I'm very scrawny, unlike them all.

I don't know, I'm just so worked up about this and I'm just so awkward

All advice appreciated x

[Pebbles82]

Hi there. Yes I remember your other posts. It's difficult to work out what the main issue is. If it is that you really don't like those kind of parties and the kind of things your friend likes to do as social activities then you wouldn't really enjoy it. On the other hand, maybe you need some confidence building. I am sure you don't look scrawny in a bathing costume, and even if you did - so what! But the swimming costume appearances are things that people often feel self conscious about.

It sounds to me like it's not your thing. So maybe just say - thanks - I can meet up with you for a drink to say Happy Birthday sometime, but can't make the party. You could go so far as to say 'the party isn't my thing' but that would depend how well you know this person and also risks them taking it personally.

The only other thing is - if this is a general anxiety about socialising thing, and a confidence thing, it could help to talk to your GP about it maybe.

But at the end of the day - we know when we feel comfortable about situations and things we do and don't want to do. So I know what you mean. And I got quite reclusive for a while when I lived by myself. I was quite happy with it, but it wasn't that good for me as it made it even harder to get out and socialise when I started doing it. But it is better to do it in a way that's right for you - eg joining a class in a hobby you like as you meeting like-minded people then.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is - if this isn't your kind of party then don't go. But you also say parties make you feel anxious and sick and this is something you might be able to get some support with. Your GP could organise some counselling and that can really help you work things out for yourself, make decisions and feel more confident about those decisions

[BrainGirl]

Serendipity's given good advice. All I can do is offer my support and understanding because I have social anxieties too. I have absolutely given up on wearing any kind of bathing suit because I hate my body and always have, even when I was fit and young! I won't go into the reasons why. Now I'm not so fit and not so self-conscious oddly enough, but there's still some anxiety there so I just don't do it. I get all the socializing I need at work (short, 4-5 hours shifts, 3x per week) and then I can happily go home and mostly escape from people and just enjoy my pets.

BTW, online people don't count against my anxieties. I LOVE talking to people online and find it much less anxiety-inducing! I think it's the face-to-face thing.

Anyway, there is one problem with my work-related social life though. I meet people and I find one of them attractive and it messes up my day when he comes in!!! He probably thinks I'm an idiot because I can't speak, I just gibber, and I avoid him at all costs when he's in there. On the other hand, he doesn't exactly speak to me either and pretty much hides out of my sight while he's in so maybe the anxiety is mutual

I like Serendipity's idea to wish your friend a happy birthday semi-privately. I'm sure if s/he knows you have this problem they'll be more understanding and in future, maybe will only invite you to smaller gatherings with people you know

[Pebbles82]

Also I personally never liked really wild active parties or scenarios or games, and preferred quieter get togethers, ones where you could have conversations and so on. And I too would hate to have to wear a bathing costume! Having said that, it didn't bother me at all when I was in the South of France and didn't know anyone and had gone to the beach with people I would never see again lol! For a start off it was so warm, it felt more relaxing than shivering in a swimming pool in the Uk. And Secondly the beach was full of topless french people of all shapes and sizes and ages and it made me feel quite normal lol! I did have a drinks seller make a comment though - he said "you are the whitest person on the beach". So I said "yes it's nice to be different".

[Robodwarfs18]

Thank you both. It's just hard to tell my friend and I don't want to let her down I don't think I can tell her about my issue, I mean I can't even tell my mum. I still don't know though. I know I'm asking for even more advice but, do you have any idea of how to tell my mum? She knows I don't go out much but I haven't told her why.

[BrainGirl]

Are you afraid of what your mum will say? Or your friend?

[racinghamster]

Hi Robodwarfs, great, comforting advice from Serendipity and BrainGirl. It`s OK to be different so never ever feel that you are not `in vogue` or feeling left out. True friends understand this and although they might feel a bit deflated that you can`t make it, that`s their problem. You could come down with a virus two days before the party!

Councelling, cognitive therapy can be good for getting across your anxieties, feelings and worries. Even if you just want to air your views, Childline is free to call. Writing a letter about your feelings can also help. The main thing is, it`s not `un-normal` to feel this way. Many of us have social anxieties and it`s finding a mechanism of action of coping. Our pets can be a great healer and a way of relaxing. Keeping busy and focussed, laugh about something every day! Don`t let anything bother you. Write down your feelings and think about ways you can do small things gradually.

If you use social media, perhaps this could be something to avoid if there is anything negative you are not able to deal with online. Chatting to like-minded people on HC will always be helpful, but social media isn`t as anonymous, so I would seer clear. Only trust in those you know will understand and help. Your mum should be one of those. Possibly the most helpful. Remember, the greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it. x

[Pebbles82]

I think it's hard to explain personal things to someone who knows you that well, and also it's frustrating if they don't understand. It depends on your relationship really. I used to envy friends whose Mum was their best friend and they'd do things together and talk about things together. My Mum was more old fashioned and not easy to talk to or would just say 'don't be silly' or something. I think that's why counselling can be good. It's a support. And they can help you work through how to talk to your Mum about it maybe. They don't give advice, but they ask the odd question that makes you think and come up with solutions yourself.

How good a friend is this friend? Is she like a best pal, someone you go to school with, someone you've known for years? It's not easy to say to anyone who doesn't understand and people who don't feel like you do probably might not understand. But you're right it can come to a point where people think you're just making excuses and take it personally.

It's a tough one. Could you find a compromise solution, like say you can come along to the party but can't make the swimming next day? You'd need to arrange for someone to pick you up if you weren't sleeping over. But if you really don't want to go, then I'd try the honesty approach with your friend - if she's a good friend. If you think she might talk to other people about what you confide in her, then best not to tell her. But if she's a good friend you could say - I seem to have anxiety about social events and think I need to talk to someone about this, so I hope you'll forgive me for not coming to the party and I can talk more to you about this next time I see you.

But that's only if its a) a good friend and b) if it is the real issue. The real issue might be, it just isn't your kind of thing and you're not a party animal!

If you're Mum is approachable on this then yes you could try talking to her and saying what do you say to your friend about the way you feel about parties?

Keep a journal is supposed to help work out feelings and issues - eg writing things down. Maybe you could write down when you first started feeling like this about social things and what was going on with you at that time in your life and some little spark might help you see some connection to an event in your life that made you feel shy or something.

Or you may just be shy - and that's not a bad thing. I can socialise at events but I don't always enjoy it and prefer quieter one to one social things.

Posted at the same time as RH there so sorry if I've repeated anything.

[hrl20100]

Originally Posted by Robodwarfs18

So I've made one or two threads about my introverted life and I need some morw advice. So one of my good friends invited me to her party at the weekend for her birthday. She also said that after, everyone can stay at her house. Parties are my worst enemy. I feel so anxious and sick whenever I go to parties or any social event. Even going out with one friend can be quite nerveracking. So as you can imagine, I keep over-thinking this and I can't handle the stress. I want to go so I don't let my friend down as I'm always making up excuses for these kind of things, but I obviously DON'T want to go. Another bad part, there won't be anyone else I am friends with except the host and there are guys and girls there. Also I'm worried that they will play childish games that involve dating etc. The people going all go out with different people and I just can't be bothered with that stuff so I'm really different. Then the next day they want to go out to a Swimming Centre and so I feel uncomfortable or confident in a swimsuit because I'm very scrawny, unlike them all.

I don't know, I'm just so worked up about this and I'm just so awkward

All advice appreciated x

You sound exactly like me omg! Are you my long lost forgotten twin?!

I hate all that kind of stuff and have been in all of these situations before. My friends all drink, I don't. My friends all dance and go to parties, I don't. I just hate anything social with lots of people! With one of two friends its fine, but when its lots? Nah. If it was me, I just wouldn't go and make up some excuse ahaa (i'm awful XD)
If you really don't want to go, but don't want your friend to feel bad maybe say how you don't feel comfortable in highly social situations and then suggest that you do something else another time just the two of you? I'm sure she'll understand!

I was invited to a party/campout event thing last summer and I went to it. I only knew the host (my best friend) and one other person. My bestfriend was getting drunk (she ended up passing out 3 times and was throwing up by the end of the night) so I stuck with the other girl I knew. Literally we were glued to eachothers sides the whole night. The whole time I felt anxious because I was around a lot of drunk people (mostly guys) that were loud and I didnt know any of them! It wasn't a fun night for me, though looking back on it now I wished I could have tried to interact with the other people more...

[Piebald]

Hi Robos, be assured you are far from the only person who hates parties and feels anxious about them. Lots of good advice I can't add anything brilliant to but I have a suggestion. Do you have a good friend who knows your issues who can come with you-- and just stop by for a little while to wish the host a happy birthday? Politely decline the sleep over and swimming but it might be nice to stay just for a little while and leave when you want. That way you have some control which might help with the anxiety.
Good luck