What to do if you feel someone has given unsolicited/condescending advice?

[kyrilliondaemon]

Hey all
Firstly, I apologise if this is the wrong area. I was really unsure but felt it should be asked since I know a few of us have had the same issue.

Secondly, as the title says...
Basically, over my time here, I and quite a few others have been given advice we didn't ask for, didn't need, didn't want... And its appeared condescending, often implying we know less than we do. I don't think anyone would do that knowing it was what they were doing, but once or twice some of us have spoken up when it happened to others.

I've been told when I was out of order and I listened, realised and apologised, but the person who should have told me didn't - someone else had to step in.
I've heard a few times that someone was upset by another member but because it wasn't a direct breach of the rules they didn't know what to do about it. I was once insulted and really angered by advice that treated me stupidly but it wasn't a breach of the rules so I just had to reword my response about six times to keep polite.
When I (once or twice) mentioned that I felt someone had given unsolicited advice they just got offended, didn't listen, and I've seen them cause offence and upset again since. I even got accused of bullying over it. Its happened when others have spoken up too. Makes me think we can't just speak to whoever caused it because they might react like that and make it even more upsetting.

I won't be naming names e.t.c, I think we've all probably done this at least once. I just want to know, what do we do if we feel someone is giving advice that isn't needed?
What do we do if we feel someone is being condescending?
What do we do if we're in a situation where we feel upset/angry, even like a horrible owner in at least one case, but the person who caused it hasn't technically broken any rules?

I really don't know, speaking up might seem petty or upset the person or even just annoy them and get us abuse, speaking to the mods seems like too much... I think its a problem and decided it was worth asking about, just so we know if/when someone is in that situation in future.

Thanks to anyone who contributes

[Lucinda]

I agree. This kind of behaviour implies that the recipient isn't quite intelligent enough to do their own research. Offering advice is one thing, but at least make sure it's warranted and is related. If I post that my hamsters leg has fallen off, I don't need to know about minimum cage requirements. (Not a real life example but I don't want to name names either )

I think it's important for members of the community to respect each other. If you have an inkling that someone may not be caring for their animals well enough, strike up a conversation with them over PM and encourage them to talk about their animals. Don't go off on a tangent about basic care/advice that isn't necessary.

[Call me Alison]

i totally understand where your coming from Hun, as you know i had a similar type of situation on Friday where i got some not very nice comments from a member ( they got very personal)

thank fully everybody was really nice and supportive.

i would say try and say something to the person who has upset u, i should try and follow my own advice!!

xxx

[kyrilliondaemon]

In your case it was clearly a problem though, I've seen it a lot where its harder to tell if its offensive or not.
Defending you was normal, whereas when I had it anyone defending me'd have been seen to overreact. If I'd said anything about it seeming patronising the person'd probably have just gone "well you asked for advice" and treated me like even more of an idiot
Same goes for when I mentioned they'd done it to others, it was deemed overreacting, singling someone out - or once, bullying. I was never trying to do those things, just to get someone to think before they typed but it utterly failed and now I can't really mention it again because chances are they'd report any pms without even reading them.

Am asking a mod about all this now lol. Don't envy her but its not just me this gets to so I want answers.

[Call me Alison]

Originally Posted by kyrilliondaemon

In your case it was clearly a problem though, I've seen it a lot where its harder to tell if its offensive or not.
Defending you was normal, whereas when I had it anyone defending me'd have been seen to overreact. If I'd said anything about it seeming patronising the person'd probably have just gone "well you asked for advice" and treated me like even more of an idiot
Same goes for when I mentioned they'd done it to others, it was deemed overreacting, singling someone out - or once, bullying. I was never trying to do those things, just to get someone to think before they typed but it utterly failed and now I can't really mention it again because chances are they'd report any pms without even reading them.

Am asking a mod about all this now lol. Don't envy her but its not just me this gets to so I want answers.

this is a really hard one, brain is buzzing thinking!

that's a really good idea asking the mod, i would like to know the answer to this one as well.

xxx

[Sandti]

I never give advice unless I know it to be fact/ it is relevant to the conversation.

I've seen there to be some condescension on the forums but sometimes people being passionate about what they are talking about can be see that way because it's hard to get tone and proper expression via words on a forum.

[kyrilliondaemon]

Yeah, its bothered me for a while but today I saw someone else go through a really similar conversation to one I'd had before. Both of us had independantly (and months apart) tried to speak to someone. Today the person was just wondering why they'd given the advice, before I tried to explain that they could have worded things better and were being really condescending with very-unneccessary advice to someone. Neither of us was trying to do anything bad, just wanted to understand and try and help them be a little less likely to cause offence accidentally. Both of us just got accused of causing trouble for the sake of picking on them.

Realised I've had enough of knowing the forum has people like that on it and want to know if we can actually do anything.
Surely if this is the forum we think it is we should respect each other enough for condescending attitudes to be unneccessary?

Oh and Sandti, that I get. I'm sadly thinking of me being treated like a clueless kid, others posting pictures and getting lectures on substrate or caging or other things that they're doing just fine.

[HadleyHam]

Originally Posted by Lucinda

Offering advice is one thing, but at least make sure it's warranted and is related. If I post that my hamsters leg has fallen off, I don't need to know about minimum cage requirements. (Not a real life example but I don't want to name names either )

So true. Everything seems to come back to proper cage size and substrate choices!

[Kirsty1987]

The thing i pick up on this forum on occasions is people making assumptions and accusations towards people when they don't really know them. I think the one i came across was someone just simply asking people on the forum if they know of any breeders in a certain area and said they was looking to get a male and female hamster. Straight away people assumed it was for breeding purposes and jumped in giving them a lecture about breeding without knowing the purpose for this person wanting a male and female, and they did not want them for breeding. Also for this reason i think some people are scared off the forum or are to scared to ask questions because of the reaction they may get.

[suga]

Replying to the question in the title - What to do if you feel someone has given unsolicited/condescending advice?

If you are asking a specific question you will no doubt find that each reply will include information that the replying individual will consider answers the question. It will likely include info you may already know and possibly some info you don't want to receive. In any given situation in forum time and that which is spent in the world where we come in to contact with other people we aren't always going to get along and we aren't always going to be able to communicate effectively with each other.

If you find your self in a situation where you are receiving unwanted advice specifically where you are not asking a question then you could if you wanted to report it. To report a post or private message you can use the triangle icon on the left hand side of each post. If a post is reported or you contact a member of the moderation team it will show up in the moderating part of the forum (unless you do so by private message) which only the moderating team have access to. The moderating team when discussing or dealing with any concerns would deal with any issue discretely.

If you choose to discuss with a forum member any concerns directly, you can of course always contact the moderating team for assistance. It can be difficult at times, espeically when there is emotion involved to write a response or comment ensuring the tone of the writing is as you wish it to come across. You could always run a written response past a moderator if you wanted to try and ensure its coming across as you want or ask for moderation assistance. As a team we often discuss and write responses together to try and ensure we achieve this ourselves.

You could of course, always put any members that you do not want to come into contact with in to your Ignore List within "your control panel" if politely ignoring within a thread doesn't work.

Reporting issues as they arise makes it easier for assistance to be given. As a team we would prefer that this was done as at times issues can become heated quite quickly and it can make it much harder to resolve.

How we behave on the forum is an indvidual choice and there will be times when we are all not at our best. We talk about respect, tone and consideration for others quite a bit here and sometimes that gets forgotten in the heat of a moment. Stepping back and counting to 10, or 20 or 30+ (in my case ) often helps and at times saying nothing, is louder and heard just as well.

Hope this helps.