Don't Know What To Do, Please Help!

[JackieG8891]

So I had a Syrian hamster, he lived for 3 healthy happy long years until he passed away in 2014. Ever since then I've became extremely depressed and numb. People joked at me for being "overly dramatic" about a hamsters death but Num Num (that was his name), he was my baby. My whole world! When I saw him pass away his death was so gruesome, luckily he died in the hands of my father being pet while he left this world but I've been watching videos on hamsters and the hamster communities and it's making me miss my hamster so much. I'm crying everyday again, I miss him to death. I really want a hamster but their death is too much for me to handle. I don't know. I really want a hamster but I'm scared the hamster will not be the same as my baby, Num Num. Num Num was the most friendliest and cuddliest hamster I've ever seen and the fact that hamsters die after 3 years and their deaths are so harsh I contemplate on getting a new hammy. Sorry my post is a mess, I'm new to this forum and I just felt like spewing out my feelings about this.

[Thin Lizzy]

Hi Jackie and welcome to the forum.
Firstly I'm sorry for your loss. Num Num was a huge part of your life and the both of you shared a wonderful bond. It's never easy when they go, they may be small but they have big hearts. Have you made a memory box? This can includes pics, their favourite toy etc. Also many members buy a plant pot as a reminder.
Don't apologise for how you feel, we can relate to that and know exactly how it feels and one thing I love about HC is the support you get.
I honestly think you getting another ham will help you with your grief and I know you have so much love to give it.
You'll never forget Num Num, he'll be forever in your heart.
I found getting a cushion with a pic or pics helps, whenever you feel sad you can hug the cushion. This has helped me.

[cypher]

Welcome to HC Jackie.
No need to apologise, as Lizzy already said we do understand & everyone here is very supportive.
It is so very hard when we lose a ham, it's not something that's easy to get over & it doesn't help when others who have never known the love of a hamster don't understand that.
It sounds as though Num Num was a very special friend to you & has left you with so many happy memories to cherish, try to focus on those rather on the end of his life.
Like Lizzy I find making a memory box or photo album, getting things like photo cushions really does help, it can be quite difficult when you do it but after a while those things become a real comfort.
I have a little memorial garden where I can go & sit & talk to my hams that have gone to the bridge too.
You will never replace Num Num, somehow when we lose a ham our hearts just grow bigger with more love to give & each ham is different, loving them doesn't mean we love those that have gone before any less.
It does sound as though you're ready for a new little friend in your life now, maybe time to go & look at some, perhaps handle some again & I think you'll know if you find the one for you.
Try not to think about how long a new ham will live but think about all the good times you could have together.

[Pebbles82]

Hello. I understand completely the level of grief and how you can be so affected by their end. I felt very much like this when our Syrian passed in February this year, and I am in my fifties! It is also hard when people think "it's just a hamster" or make jokes. What they don't understand is, it doesn't matter what type of pet it was, but you and your pet were incredibly bonded. In fact I sometimes think a bond with a hamster is stronger than with other pets, because they are such amazingly intelligent little creatures, sensitive, and dependent on us.

Nothing I say can take away that bad memory, but you can get past the situation of re-living Num Num's last moments, with some help, as sometimes we can get stuck in a stage of grief. There are five stages: Grief, anger, depression, denial and acceptance. People don't always go through them in the same order or for the same length of time - but the last stage is always acceptance. And I know it is hard to get to that stage with a traumatic end and a feeling that something isn't right about the situation. I felt that myself.

I would recommend you contact the Blue Cross Bereavement Service. Souffle kindly gave me the link to this, and you can email them and they will talk things through with you. You might think that nothing anyone says can help, but pet bereavement counselling is quite amazing - they have magic words sometimes. They can help you think through what you might want to do about something, or how to deal with certain feelings at a particular time.

I was left with a feeling that there is not enough research or treatment for care of the elderly hamster and I would like to see the equivalent of human hospice care for ageing and dying hamsters, keeping them pain-free to the end. In a way euthanasia is a form of that but I think not all vets are experienced enough in hamsters to make that process a positive one for an owner.

All I will say is - to Num Num, he had a very long and happy life. It might seem short to us, but in his three years he went through childhood, teen years, middle age and the rather lovely gentleness of old age. And of course we want them to go happily and peacefully in old age and there are these nasty diseases and symptoms of things failing in old age that cause suffering. I can't answer everything, but his suffering has now ended and he knew you loved him, and he is now at the rainbow bridge, playing free with no pain - he passed on. He probably kept hanging on because he didn't want to leave you.

I had bad dreams for a while as I found our hammy's passing so traumatic. What actually helped me in the end was a fun week-end away. We went to the Harry Potter studio tour. We were out of our home and in a different part of the country and completely distracted from the memories and familiarity of the routine at home and that kind of thing can help. Sometimes you need to forget for a little bit and have a change of scene. I still was dissatisfied about the lack of pain relief available and the lack of expertise of my vet, and I do feel I want to try and change things in that respect by writing to people. And maybe you could write to the RCVS (Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons) with the request that further research is done into the care of ageing hamsters and more options for pain relief and symptom relief. Because I think that is what is needed. Hamsters will pass on at their time as they are very old after 3 years and tired and it's time for them to pass on, but to be pain free and comfortable is to help them when they need it. It's why some people opt for euthanasia, but that can be hard too even though you know you're doing the right thing.

I would also suggest you go and see your GP. They won't make jokes about your feelings about Num Num and the traumatic end and although they may only offer medication to help you through a difficult patch, they can surprisingly say quite good things and listen and help.

The other thing that finally helped me was getting another hamster. I also didn't think I could. But within two weeks I felt a need within myself to continue caring for a hamster as it had become an important part of my life, so I started looking out for rescue hamsters. There are so many hammies who have been abandoned and neglected need a loving caring owner. I knew they would have a shorter time with us if they were a year old already for example, but in the end I couldn't do it because I didn't want to put our little boy through a hamster dying again so soon. After 3 months we got a baby Syrian from Souffle's litter and honestly, the day we picked him up was the first time all three of us really felt happy since Charlie died. Our little boy was singing to him. I think although you feel you can never go through it again there is a very subtle part of us that is grieving for more than the loss of our pet or his suffering, but also for the part of us that got lost when the hamster passed. And that part of us is the hamster part I gained so much from having a hamster as a pet. They give you so much - and I missed that. It's not selfish, it's a two way thing. You give them wonderful care and they reward you.

It makes your heart bigger and then your heart is a bit empty and needs filling again. Every circumstance is not the same at the end. But also, you know what to expect and can be more prepared, and find the best exotic vet in the area, and make decisions in advance about what you will ask for if the hamster becomes unwell or is suffering. And it might sound awful, but we need to cope as well, but it can help to have more than one hamster I think so if one passes the other one still needs you and is a comfort. I wish I had done that.

Essentially Num Num is no longer suffering and is looking down on you and still loves you. It is you who are suffering, and I am sure he would want you to be happy again. Make a little memorial for him and tell him you will never forget him.

I am most concerned though, that since 2014 you have still felt depressed and numb and I am not surprised in some ways, but you need someone to help you through that grief process so you can start enjoying life again. We can't change what happened but we can resolve to deal with things the best we can in future, or to try to change things for the better for other hamsters. You have come to the right place as the members on here are passionate about hamsters and their welfare and there are a lot of experienced owners and breeders. Was Num Num your first hamster? Charlie was also my baby and it is such a hard thing. But I do think it was the best thing for us when we got another baby hamster. It kept me so busy and he is so fast, there was no time to think. He is not a replacement, he is a different personality - but has brought us joy and made us laugh. And when you laugh you start healing. So you could see it that a hamster can heal grief. I'm not saying it's right for you and there are other pets who live longer. But I think it is just as hard when they go however old they are.

Here is the details of the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement service. Email them and tell them what you told us on here xxxx

If you scroll down the page you will find the email address. Or you can phone them if you prefer. They are there for people who are grieving the loss of a pet.

https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-support

I also found this article helped me understand some of the feelings I was left with and helps you realise it is the same for other people and what to do.

It's called "Pet Loss - Mourning the Life of a Best Friend"

Pet Loss Help - Mourning the Life of Best Friend

[MissJeliza]

Hi Jackie,
Losing a pet is hard,

Sometimes other people just don't understand,

I lost a guinea pig in 2012
And even now I cannot think about him without getting very upset,
I think it's part of loving a pet

Do you have a grave/ memorial to remeber your Hamster by?
This can help alot because it's somewhere to physically remember your pet by.
Even years later it can bring peace, also planting flowers to remeber your pet can be a wonderful experience, a new life force to remember a loved one.
It could even be a potted plant, doesn't have to be fancy.

Maybe a framed photo?

Anyway, your not alone in missing pets even years after the loss,

My hamster Jeliza died earlier this year,
I also thought about welcoming a new hamster to the family and in the end I decided I would like to, because in my case seeing the cage empty was too hard.

Sometimes we feel guilty for 'replacing' pets but it's not replacing at all, it's a different Hamster with things you will love about them which are entirely different from your last Hamster.

But, when I got Igor my current dwarf, I was upset in the beginning that he wasn't Jeliza, and I found that hard at the start, but now? I wouldn't give him up for anything

If you feel ready to love a new hamster it might help you feel better,
Someone to think about when times are hard

[Pebbles82]

You know if you ever can't sleep or wake up upset about it, or any time really, you can call the Samaritans - they will talk to anyone who feels distressed and they could help you through a particular bad time xxx

[BorisPasha]

Hi Jackie and welcome to HC. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and that you are still deeply upset by it. People here do understand all of what you're feeling so please remember you are not alone. I don't think there is anything I can really add to the wonderful words of wisdom and from Serendipity, Lizzy, Cypher and MissJeliza. I lost my little Max two weeks ago, very suddenly and I know first hand how wonderful and supportive and understanding the people here are. I doubt that here is anything you could say or think that we haven't thought or felt ourselves so please don't bottle things up, it sounds like you could really do with more support to work through this and I would urge you to speak to your doctor or the pet bereavement support that Serendipity linked.

Hugs to you xx

[Drago]

Hello and welcome aboard

I'm so sorry to hear about your ham- and that you've been so badly shaken by it Never feel ridiculous at all, losing anyone (human or animal!) is extremely saddening, and can be upsetting for years. Num Num sounds like he was an amazing ham, and he looks so sweet in those pics. Don't let the fear of death stop you from loving a life. I was so upset over my dog's death that I felt I'd never want another dog again. However, I finally decided to adopt one, and I regret not having her sooner. She's really helped me grieve, and it's nice to have an energetic puppy around after a tired 17 yo dog roaming the house. You may have the same feeling if you adopt another ham. Of course, only if you feel comfortable with it, but if you like the idea, why not go for it? I hope things start looking up for you soon, stay strong XX



This place was incredibly helpful with my grieving- check it out along with all the other links you've been given if you get the time
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/Grief...pport_Home.htm

[JackieG8891]

Thank you all for those wonderful messages. I did have one of Num Num's favorite toys. I had it hanging on my backpack for it disappeared and I can't find it at all. One thing I'm scared of is that what if I get a new Hamster and he doesn't like me and is agressive, sick, and shy? My baby wasn't sick, aggressive or shy. He loved exploring and sleeping on me. I made a little grave for my hamster, under a tree in my backyard so I know he's there. How can I be sure the next hamster I get won't be mean?

[flowerfairy]

So sorry to hear about Num Num what a truely sweet and beautiful looking hamster.

I still feel sad thinking of my special childhood rabbit and that was nearly 40 years ago. These little creatures can touch us very deeply.

Hope you find some help amongst all the great advice that you have been given here.