What she did to me

[twix and oreo mates4life]

People who read some of my posts know about my dog bailey who got hit by a car on march 14 2012 but I never told anyone what she did to me. We got bailey from an add on Craigslist. Her owners didn't like her anymore. We spent all afternoon playing with her. She was 1 year old. 2 weeks after she came here she got an ear Infection. We brought her to the vet and her weight was off. They told us later that she was going to deliver puppy's in 2 weeks time. 2 weeks later she had 9 puppies. A big litter for a dog too young to be a mother. Bailey did a great job and we kept the runt of the litter. We named her Percy. Bailey and Percy were inseperable. Whenever we talked about them it was always "bailey and Percy" never just bailey and never just Percy. Until one day...

I was letting her out in the backyard to use the bathroom. My mom told me to put them on leashes. I didn't. Percy came back but bailey saw another dog across the highway and ran. Percy tried to dash after her but I didn't let her. I accidentally shut the door on her paw. I watched bailey get hit by the van. Unmistakable horror. I watched her bleed to death on that road. My mom drove over to her and I watched the light die from her eyes. Percy has never been the same. Bailey was the best friend I've ever had and I have a paw print of her hanging on my bed. Bailey made me experience a bond that I've never had and she stole my heart the moment I saw the beautiful amber eyes. When she got hit I felt like my heart shattered. I've never gotten over it. My family is past it but I never once go through a day that I don't think about her. It never heals. People used to know me as outgoing, bold, funny, and happy. Now I'm know for being sad, lonely, shy, and depressed. I know it's my fault that she's gone and if I could go back in time to just put a leash on my dog and listen to my mom, I would because she would still be here. I've never told anyone this story because I don't trust anyone with it. My parents don't help and neither do my siblings but I wanted to tell HC because know one has seen me in the flesh and some of you have been through things like this. People tell me it's not my fault. But it is...

Thanks

[becky1412]

I'm so sorry of course you can tell us. That's such a horrible thing for you to have seen and with a dog you had that sort of bond with. Don't worry about your family moving on everyone grieves and gets used to things at different speeds. Keep strong for your babies who are here now they need your love too. *cudfles*

[twix and oreo mates4life]

Thank you Becky. She was so close. I could tell her anything. I know she was a dog but I knew that she couldn't tell others what I said and she couldn't tell me she didn't like me. I don't think she hated me but still. She had so much life to live and I feel like there is just a hole where my heart should be

[DrKMcK]

Hello Twix & Oreo. Some of the most difficult life lessons come at great cost. If you had listened to your mom, things might be different. If you had used a leash things might have been different. This was a poor choice that ended in a very painful event. Bailey died. That had to be dreadful for you. Certainly, it never ocurred to you that something could really happen to Bailey. This wasn't something you did because you didn't care about Bailey. This was a bad call, and boy, oh boy, have you paid for it. It sounds like you are beating yourself up for this more than anyone else could. I don't think any of us get out of this life without making some really bad choices...things we truly regret and wish we could have a "do over" for. The bottom line is...it happened. It can't be taken back, but you can accept this as an experience you never want to repeat. You've written of Bailey getting hit by the car before, and have blamed yourself in those posts too. So, I can tell this is very distressing for you. You need to forgive yourself. I'm sure Bailey will have forgiven you already. I really am so sorry this happened and that you are suffering such guilt over it. {hugs}

[twix and oreo mates4life]

Thanks DrK. I try to forgive myself but the main thing that keeps me down is watching Percy trudge along as if she has given up on life. She is happy with smoky but she isn't the same anymore. She like a different dog

[twix and oreo mates4life]

I miss her like crazy yet the only place I feel close to her is by that blood spattered spot on the highway. My friend thought it was an oil spill...