My Lovely Willow

[Catherine Spark]

My beautiful Willow (aka 'fluffy baby', aka 'girly', aka 'The 'Ow', aka, 'The Schnozz', aka 'Little Girl') was put to sleep some time after 10pm tonight.

She had a relapse of wet tail, despite seven days of baytril at the strongest dose; despite religious cleaning and sterilisation every day; despite rigorous upkeep of medications. She came off the antibiotics on Tuesday, but it was really only today that she went downhill rapidly (though she never cleaned herself down there, and never recovered full activity level even when she was at the high point of recovery and was doing things she had not been doing before).

I realised what was in store for her earlier this evening when I saw how swollen her poor belly was. Being the stoic endurer and courageous fighter she was, meant she was in for a slow, uncomfortable death which she would patiently endure without complaint. I couldn't stand that, so we rushed her to an emergency call-out vet as quickly as we could and put an end to it. He agreed fully that there was nothing humanly possible we could have done, that hadn't already been done for her, and it was the kindest thing.

She was only 5 and a half months old; but she had an active, playful life for all but the last two weeks; and all but the final day or so was spent in comfort and security.

There are carrots in life, and they will be dangled. We complain about the dangling, but in the end the carrot is there for the taking, and the eating, and the eating is transient. Some carrots are bigger than others. Some are smaller but their flavour is sweeter. I have no regrets about Willow's life, or about choosing her in the first place (I did know she was skittish and something in me seemed to rememeber skittish ones are sometimes not as well bred and therefore more likely to develop problems).

I am thankful nobody was left with agonising decisions or long waits for the eventually inevitable, and that there was a vet who could help her when the illness got too much. She was that brave, and she deserved the reward of freedom from pain in return for that bravery. I hope to get another hamster before too long, once everything has been cleaned and disinfected. For now, fly high Willow! Oakie will be waiting for you at the bridge, so you can play together (they don't have territorial instincts at the Rainbow Bridge!)! I love you xx

[csockman]

I am so sorry Catherine, this is a truly heartbreaking story and I am sure you agonized over the decision, but in the end I think you made the correct decision. Willow is no longer suffering and I believe in an afterlife for our hams and that we will see them again. Take solace knowing that you did everything in your power for your little girl.

[kyrilliondaemon]

I'm really sorry she has passed, I was sad to hear how far she'd gone downhill tonight but you did everything possible while she was ill and you gave her an extra day or two as the happy ham she was - its a shame the respite from meds and illness was brief, but I bet she enjoyed it all the same.
I'm glad you took her to the vets once more tonight when she confirmed that she needed to go, the two of you had done so well through her illness and I'm sure she's grateful you helped her find the easy way out when she needed it.

She was a lovely ham and she fought a really brave battle with her illness.

Play well Willow xx

[sully]

Im sorry. x

[de4life]

I'm very sorry for your loss, it sounds like you did everything that you could for her. She had a short life, but was clearly very well loved throughout her time here. Sleep well little girl.

[chulasweetchica]

Im so sorry for your loss~ Willow was beautiful and she had a wonderful mommy who did everything she could for her. Now shes your Angel watching over you,rest sweet Willow and play well,Take care and sending Hugs~

[Stockannette]

Rest in peace, sweet Willow.

[Willowthehamster]

Awh I am so sorry you lost your Willow,
Rip little one xxxxx

[Catherine Spark]

All I can say is thank you to everyone - for your condolences and words of support. I will see if I can sort out the cage today I left the travel cage for her at the vet and will collect it at a later point.

Willowthehamster - always made me smile that we both had hamsters called Willow. Hug her tight for me (but not too tight of course!)

[Willowthehamster]

Awh yep I will make sure of it xx

[Silver]

So sorry.

Play well at that bridge Willow

Silver xxx

[souffle]

I am so very sorry Catherine. She lived a lifetime of love in the time she was with you. You gave her your everything and that last great gift was to let her go freed from her pain, to the bridge.
Play well lovely Willow and send a rainbow to your mum to tell her you are safe sometime soon xxx

[Louby_84]

So sorry for your loss

Sleep well lil Willow xxxx

[HorseyMandz]

You did the very best you could. It seems to me as if you have a lot of love to give still, and without sounding cruel, maybe when the pain has passed, you may like to think about getting a rescue hamster, or a breeder hamster...
Of course, right now, time is the only thing that will heal your loss. Maybe making a memory book will help the hole in your heart heal, but you will never forget her, and there will always be a scar.
For Willow,
A True Fighter till the very end xxx

[cathface]

I'm so sorry about Willow. she's left us too early in her life but you did the right thing in letting her go gently. RIP.

[jesselle]

oh i am so sorry to hear this :( you did amazingly throughout her illness.

i am glad little willow is no longer suffering and that she was loved so much by you. x

[Catherine Spark]

SO many lovely messages - so many people who seem to have been walking along in someway or another!

Today has been a funny day - a mixture of pain and peace mentally. All through the day I kept getting mental flashes of something extraordinary: A high, clear, rocky mountaintop with long grass whipping, and white fluffy and cirrus clouds streaking the blue, blue sky. There's a bite in the air, and the clarity is almost harsh, but in a peculiarly beautiful, otherworldy way. It's the sort of day the moon might be out, and dew might coat the plants. There's a river down below which winds its way gently through a valley. And a whole, happy, curious little being scampering and exploring, ears pricked, slim and streamlined through the grass, with an older, more mature little brown companion following in her wake, watching over her.

I sent back vibes as best I could: Thank you, I'm here, I'm ok, explore for me, I love you both. Souffle - that rainbow - she sent it as soon as she was possibly able, I think.

So very different from Oakie's passing, which was quiet, dignified and very much rooted here. In this instance, it very much feels like the continuation, rather than the ending, of a journey - of a process. Strangely, I realise now that I never could imagine her as an old hamster. I suppose in a way it feels now like she was on loan from the bridge from the start, and though I tried so hard to keep her, in the end it was right to return her to her rightful home.

Thank you, Silver - ironically a kilo of your mix, along with a feeder and drinker, arrived in the post today of all days! Horsey - I would LOVE to get another hamster soon, as you are right, I do have love to give, and I think Willow would be endlessly fascinated by such a process, were she able to understand and observe it! So I will put the feeder, drinker and mix towards that. As for a memory box, I have precious little except my writing about her and my pictures. But those I will cherish, and may well make a memorial video for her. If I do, I will put it up here. Thank you so much for the comforting suggestions x

Jesselle, Cathface and Louby - thank you also, these words mean a lot. She was indeed loved beyond words and still is. I am glad I let her go while she was still 'Willow-ish' and didn't let her fade so the thing at the end barely resembled the hamster I knew and loved. It feels like she is able to carry on into the next stage with cheer and vigour.

I cleaned out her cage and sterilised it today. It is airing for a week at least. I have also hoovered and disinfected the floor of my room. Still have to clean her other cage and sterilise all her things, but that will come in time.

[shiny]

I have just seen this sad news about Willow after having followed all the ups & downs of her illness & your wonderful care of her. I was so hoping you had got that illness beaten & was pleased when things were looking up which made it really sad that it came back.

I honestly think (like everybody else who has commented here) that you did everything you could & when it came down to it, made the right decision even though it was obviously such a tough thing to do.

I'm sure Willow had a wonderful life with you & I know that another hamster will be lucky enough to find you soon.

Best wishes from shiny & the hammies :)

[The Hamster's family]

Shiny, you have taken every singe word out of my mouth ! What cath has done is just and simply, by far, the greatest gift you can give to an animal : respect. Respect to care and get the cares for the illness, our presence next to them so they feel safe and enough respect to accept to suffer for them instead of them suffering because 'We can't do it'... You are an exemple of what is love for an animal... When you give to Life/living things, Life gives you back... RIP lil one and enjoy the bridge ! Best regards to you, Cath...

Annie xxxx

[Pompompoms]

You gave her the kindest gift of all, selfless love to set her free when she needed your help. Beautiful Willow is safe at the bridge now, but of course she has let you know herself. Play well gorgeous girl xx

[racinghamster]

The greatest gift we can give them is our love and our commitment to them and Willow was no exception. She will be forever in your heart Catherine and rest assured, you did everything right. x

[Catherine Spark]

Heya everyone - these inpourings mean so much to me still. Thank you again for your reassurances, condolences and support.

I think, it all happening so quickly and intensely followed less than 48 hours later by a full-blown return to university and the work that entails, it will take a while for what has happened to properly sink in - at some point it will crash down on me fully. Today, I think that process has started; it is really starting to hit home that she was here, and tangible and alive in this body...and now she isn't. That transition of thought is very painful, especially as the immediacy of her presence and time here begins to fade as I clean and disinfect all her things. Makes me think how important it is to let some time lapse and everything fall into its new order before even considering looking into getting a new baby.

Even with all your assurances that I did the right thing, and with her little messages that she is safe, I am still plagued by 'If only we had...' thoughts. If only I had kept her on the antibiotics...if only I hadn't had to go to university...if only I'd picked up on the relapse earlier...But it was either the antibiotic side effects or the wet tail that would eventually have damaged her in that situation, and I know I took her off them for that reason, and furthermore it was on the vet's advice - a vet surgery which specialises in small animals. And even if I had picked up on the relapse earlier, there would have been little to do besides try with the antibiotics again and run into the same problems further down the line.

The way I see it, by taking our animals in, we make an automatic committment to them that we will do our utmost to protect them and keep them happy and comfortable and fulfilled through thick and thin. That doesn't change just because they get ill! Or it certainly shouldn't, at any rate. The university was incredibly sympathetic - in fact the course organiser had been quietly aware of Willow's journey in a personal capacity without me realising. That touched me greatly.

Annie, my regards to you and the hams as well <3 : 'You are an exemple of what is love for an animal...when you give life/living things, life gives you back' - this moved me beyond words, and is so, so incredibly true. Love for an animal is everything you and Shiny have articulated so completely and compassionately. I hoped that by sharing each step of her story, it might help someone. If it provides such an example, then that is indeed a worthy legacy for Willow <3

[The Hamster's family]

*wipes tears off hr eyes* Thank you... simply...

[Lynternette]

I am so very sorry. Your memorial is a lovely tribute to Willow. You have given Willow the ultimate act of love.

Sleep tight Willow. Run free little one. xxx

[Catherine Spark]

*Ethereal hamster waves* - "Thank you Lynternette - love to all on here, and sending hugs from all your rainbow babies!" Thank you for your words, Lynternette <3

[GemmasMom]

Very sorry to hear about sweet Willow. R.I.P. little girl xxxx

[Catherine Spark]

Thanks, GemmasMom. She'll always be in my heart, and the support I received on here whilst dealing with Willow's illness really was a lifeline x